What this episode is about
At the heart of this conversation is a truth so many midlife women are quietly sitting with: we are all longing to be truly seen. But real love only becomes possible when we believe we are worthy of receiving it.
Key takeaways
- Gabriella says we all long to be seen for who we are, and real love begins the moment we believe we're worthy of receiving it.
- Amanda McCracken describes limerence as obsessively thinking about someone you idealize, so much that you can't see their flaws.
- Amanda says dating apps, social media and hookup culture keep a little hope and uncertainty alive, and that mix keeps limerence going.
Moments from this episode
Word for word from the recording. Tap a time to hear it.
Ready for and worthy of love
“I am ready for and worthy of a deeply intimate and loving relationship, and writing that down in my journal every night and often saying it out loud.”
Safety took time to trust
“It took me a long time to equate safety with a healthy authentic love.”
Self-forgiveness helps you move on
“I think self forgiveness is really important for moving on and finding a healthy relationship.”
You're worth waiting for
“Like he, he was just like, I'll wait. You're worth waiting for, which is really remarkable for somebody to say. Be patient with me getting to a place where I felt comfortable.”
“At the core, no matter how different our stories and experiences are, we are all longing for that deep human connection and to love and be loved, which is just core to the human experience.”
Gabriella Espinosaat 43:25
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Show notes
Have you ever been so consumed by someone just out of reach that you checked your phone obsessively, fantasized endlessly, and somehow wanted them even more because they weren't fully available? There's actually a name for it , and in this episode of Pleasure in the Pause, Gabriella sits down with journalist, author, and limerence expert Amanda McCracken to talk about why so many of us get stuck chasing love instead of receiving it.
Read the full show notesShow less
Amanda dated over 100 men, held onto her virginity until she was 41, and spent a decade researching the psychology behind romantic obsession before writing her debut book, When Longing Becomes Your Lover. Her story is equal parts personal and research-backed , and it will make so much click for anyone who has ever felt like real love was just one more swipe, one more text, one more what-if away.
At the heart of this conversation is a truth so many midlife women are quietly sitting with: we are all longing to be truly seen. But real love only becomes possible when we believe we are worthy of receiving it.
Are you ready to awaken your sensuality and feel more empowered in your body? Access the FREE Pleasure Upgrade Bundle at pleasureinthepause.com/gift.
About Amanda:
Amanda McCracken is an award-winning journalist passionate about experiences that highlight the intersection of wellness, travel, and relationships. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, Washington Post, Guardian, Vogue, National Geographic, Elle, NPR, Outside, ESPN, SELF, Runner’s World, and many others. She published her first article about longing in 2013, which led to additional articles featuring personal anecdotes and deep research and interviews with the BBC and Katie Couric. She is now considered a “limerence expert” and intimacy advocate. Her 2023 TED Talk, “How Longing Keeps Us From Healthy Relationships,” and her podcast, The Longing Lab, highlight how longing can become self sabotaging and shares how to change our patterns of longing. McCracken is also a part-time university instructor, massage therapist, triathlon coach, and competitive athlete. Raised in Cincinnati, Ohio, McCracken put down roots with her husband and daughter in Boulder, Colorado, after a trip around the world aboard the Peace Boat.
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Highlights from our discussion include:
- What limerence actually is, how it differs from a crush, and why today's dating culture , apps, social media, hookup culture , makes it more common than ever.
- Why the brain gets hooked on the chase: the trigger, the behavior, and the dopamine reward loop that keeps so many of us stuck.
- The moment Amanda realized she was more comfortable longing for love than actually having it , and what that revealed about her deeper fear of intimacy.
- The practical tools that helped her break the pattern, including cognitive reappraisal, nervous system work, EMDR, and a nightly mantra her therapist gave her.
- What healthy, realistic love actually feels like in midlife , and why Amanda says she trusted her husband before she loved him.
If you are rethinking old stories about love and desire, stepping back into dating after a long pause, or recognizing patterns you couldn't quite name before, this conversation is for you. It is never too late.
If you're seeking to reclaim your pleasure and vitality, join Gabriella at pleasureinthepause.com for this enlightening journey into the heart of female pleasure and empowerment.
CONNECT WITH AMANDA MCCRACKEN:
My book: When Longing Becomes Your Lover
My podcast: The Longing Lab
Watch my TEDx talk
Read my NYT story on limerence
Instagram: @amandajmccracken
TikTok: @thelonginglab
CONNECT WITH GABRIELLA ESPINOSA:
RESOURCES:
Love and Limerence by Dorothy Tennov (Amazon)
Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters by Ethel Person (Amazon)
Unwinding Anxiety by Judson Brewer (Amazon)
The information shared on Pleasure in the Pause is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. Always consult your healthcare provider before making any decisions about your health or treatment. The views expressed by guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the host or Pleasure in the Pause.
About the guest
Amanda McCrackenJournalist, author, and limerence expertGuest on this episode of Pleasure in the Pause.More about them
