What this episode is about
Discover why your midlife sexuality isn't broken, it's evolving. Dr. Kelly Casperson reveals how to reignite desire and embrace pleasure at any age.
Key takeaways
- Gabriella says to start with small, everyday pleasures. Noticing them trains your brain to feel pleasure, and that can grow your capacity for it in other ways.
- Dr. Kelly Casperson says desire doesn't have to show up first. It might come before, during or after intimacy, and many women feel it only once the setting feels safe.
- Dr. Casperson uses three lenses to find out why desire changed: biology (hormones, tissue, pain), psychology (stress, body image) and sociology (how you were raised to see sex).
Moments from this episode
Word for word from the recording. Tap a time to hear it.
Why women learn to keep desire quiet
“I feel there's such a huge gap, and you talk about this, right, between men and women, in the way we are conditioned to not own or voice our desires, and this perpetuates this belief that I'm not worthy of desiring.”
Why women think they are the problem
“The default is to think that you're the broken one. There's something wrong with you. If only we change you, then the world will be better. Instead of saying, education is the way to understand this very complex topic.”
Clearing out the mental cobwebs
“Your brain is your biggest sex organ. If you have negative thoughts about sex, you have negative body image, you have negative thoughts about your partner, great sex cannot exist in that bubble. You got to clean out the cobwebs.”
“Nobody's sitting around waiting to desire sex before they go have a good sex life. And I think so many, especially women, are stuck there. They're like, if only I desired sex, then I'd have a good sex life.”
Kelly Caspersonat 11:28
Hear this momentFeel more pleasure, 10 minutes a day.
10 Days of Pleasure is free. One 10-minute turn-on in your inbox each day. Each one comes with the expert from my podcast who explains why it works.
Day 1 lands in your inbox in a minute. My letter comes after the 10 days, and you can unsubscribe any time.
Show notes
As we journey through perimenopause and menopause, many of us experience changes in our sexual desire that can leave us feeling confused, frustrated, or even broken.
But what if I told you that you're not broken at all?
That's exactly what I explored in my recent conversation with the incredible Dr. Kelly Casperson, urologist, sexual medicine expert, and author of the best-selling book "You Are Not Broken: Stop Shooting All Over Your Sex Life".
Read the full show notesShow less
Dr. Casperson brings a refreshing perspective to midlife sexuality, challenging the myths and misconceptions that often hold us back from experiencing pleasure and intimacy. Let's dive into some of the key insights from our enlightening discussion.
Unraveling the Mystery of Desire
One of the first things Dr. Casperson and I talked about was the concept of desire. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that desire should be spontaneous and ever-present, but that's simply not the case for everyone, especially as we navigate hormonal changes.
Dr. Casperson explains, "Libido and desire get looped in as the same thing and we have Freud to blame for identifying it as an innate instinct, but the thing with desire is the stereotype that it must always be spontaneous. Certainly, that's what Hollywood tells us. That's what the top 10 country hits tell us, that if you do not have spontaneous desire, you are broken."
But here's the truth: desire can be responsive rather than spontaneous. This means that for many women, desire can be triggered by subtle external cues over time such as physical touch or visual and auditory stimulation. It's a reaction to arousal, and can occur after someone decides to engage in sexual activity and before they're turned on or might not be present before sexual activity, but rather during or after. Understanding this can be a game-changer in how we approach intimacy.
Key Takeaways on Desire:
- Desire isn't always spontaneous
- Responsive desire is normal and common
- Women are more responsive in their desire
- Responsive desire requires subtle external cues
- Hollywood and media often portray unrealistic expectations of desire
The Biopsychosocial Model: A Holistic Approach to Sexual Health
Dr. Casperson introduced me to the biopsychosocial model, which offers a comprehensive framework for understanding our sexual health and desire. This model considers three key factors:
- Biology: This includes hormones, tissue health, and physical comfort during sex.
- Psychology: Our mental state, body image, stress levels, and anxiety all play a role.
- Sociology: How we've been socialized as women, our relationship dynamics, and societal expectations impact our sexuality.
By looking at all these factors, we can start to understand why we might be experiencing changes in our desire and sexual satisfaction. It's not just about hormones - it's about our whole selves.
Communication is Lubrication: The Power of Open Dialogue
One of the most powerful insights from our conversation was the importance of communication in maintaining a healthy sex life. Dr. Casperson emphasizes, "Communication is lubrication."
She suggests starting conversations about sex in safe, non-threatening environments. For example, going for a walk together can be a great time to bring up new things you've learned about sexuality or share what you enjoy about your intimacy.
Tips for Better Sexual Communication:
- Don't wait for a "failed" sexual encounter to talk
- Discuss sex when things are going well, not just when there are problems
- Share new information you've learned about sexuality with your partner
- Express appreciation for what's working in your intimate life
Rethinking Pleasure: Beyond Penetration
Dr. Casperson challenged the notion that sex always has to involve penetration. This limited view of sex can create unnecessary pressure and ignore other forms of pleasure and intimacy.
"So many people don't understand that those are two very different things," Dr. Casperson notes, referring to the difference between having sex and simply engaging in penetrative intercourse.
By expanding our definition of sex and focusing on pleasure in all its forms, we open up new possibilities for intimacy and satisfaction.
Embracing Midlife Sexuality: It Gets Better!
Contrary to popular belief, sex can actually get better as we age. Dr. Casperson shared some encouraging statistics: "A recent study by the Kinsey Institute, which is solely dedicated to the study of human sexuality and relationships, surveyed 3,001 women in the U.S. ages 60 and up and showed that sex does get better with age. 60 percent of those surveyed who are having sex say they're enjoying it just as much, if not more."
This improvement often comes from increased confidence, better communication skills, and a deeper understanding of our own bodies and desires.
Why Sex Can Improve in Midlife:
- No more worries about pregnancy
- Increased confidence in communicating needs and desires
- Better understanding of our own bodies
- More time and freedom to explore sexuality
The Role of Vaginal Estrogen: A Game-Changer for Many
Dr. Casperson is a strong advocate for the use of vaginal estrogen for women experiencing discomfort or pain during sex due to vaginal dryness or atrophy. She explains, "Vaginal estrogen helps with sexual pleasure because it decreases pain, increases lubrication, increases elasticity, increases blood flow, so more arousal and orgasm, right?"
However, many women are hesitant to use vaginal estrogen due to outdated warnings on the packaging. Dr. Casperson is part of the campaign "Unboxing Menopause" spearheaded by the national non-profit Let's Talk Menopause to update these warnings and make this valuable treatment more accessible to women who could benefit from it.
Conclusion: Embracing Your Midlife Sexual Journey
As we wrapped up our conversation, I asked Dr. Casperson what pleasure means to her. Her answer beautifully encapsulates the essence of our discussion: "Being in the present moment, which is about as close to a spiritual practice as you can get, right? Many ancient texts and spiritual teachers like Eckhart Tolle remind us that its about mindfulness and just enjoying the present moment, because it's the only experience you can actually ever have."
This journey through midlife sexuality isn't about recapturing your youth or conforming to societal expectations. It's about being present, exploring what feels good now, and embracing the changes that come with this new phase of life.
Remember, you are not broken. Your sexuality is uniquely yours, and it has the potential to be rich, fulfilling, and pleasurable at any age. It's time to let go of the myths and embrace the possibilities that come with midlife sexuality.
Are you ready to say yes to your pleasure? To explore your desires without judgment? To communicate openly with your partner about your needs? If so, you're on the path to a more fulfilling and enjoyable sex life, no matter your age or stage of life.
Your pleasure matters, and it's never too late to prioritize it.
CONNECT WITH DR. KELLY CASPERSON
- Instagram: instagram.com/kellycaspersonmd
- Website: kellycaspersonmd.com
- You Are Not Broken podcast: kellycaspersonmd.com
- Join Dr. Casperson in "unboxing menopause" by signing the petition to the FDA here : letstalkmenopause.org
About the guest
Dr. Kelly CaspersonUrologist, author of You Are Not BrokenGuest on this episode of Pleasure in the Pause.More about them
